One of my major platforms is sex-positivity. Being sex-positive means taking care of yourself in terms of sex. So many of us have baggage and shame when it comes to sex. For some, it’s due to religion or family. For others, it’s due to a sexual violation that happened to them. Sexual shame and repression is much more serious than people think.  How we view sex and have sex says a lot about who we are. I myself have had sexual experiences that were far from consensual. It took me many years to work all of that out. Once something happens sexually that is violating in some way, it is very hard to participate in sex in a healthy way.

For some, they shut that off, but for the majority our dysfunction rears its head when we make sexual decisions. I wanted to take the control back after it had been taken from me years ago. I had a lot of casual sex and sport fucking because I could control it. It was a hunting exercise, but it was not healthy. Most times I ended up regretting it and wondering why I did it.  When I finally decided to talk to someone was when I really began my process of healing. You have to be ready to deal with whatever occurred in order to move on without doing more psychological damage. Shame and sex are too often intermingled, and that is something I want to try to stop.

Being very sexual, slutty, experimental, or kinky can be a tough thing to come to terms with. How do you experience everything you want sexually without feeling disgusting after? First, you have to be ready for whatever you are doing, and you have to make wise decisions in terms of partners.  I was at a sex party the other day. It was the birthday of a good friend of mine. How many people can host an orgy for their birthday and not have it feel sordid? Sex geeks can, that’s who. When you start interacting with people in this community, you find that sex isn’t the most important thing at these parties. Connection is. There was one woman who attended this party who is from the South, and she had been trying to create a community similar to ours where she lives.

She had experienced her own trauma, but she was being very brave and taking her life back, and she was doing it in a very safe environment. Before the party begins, we discuss boundaries, respect, and privacy. These rules are not negotiable, and if you break them you will not be asked back. Part of why these parties work is due to the safety that is created within them.  I do not like my neck being touched or choked during sex. I stated this during our boundary talk. Guess what happened? My boundaries were respected, and I had a wonderful time. I was in a more introspective mood at this party. I was having fun watching the sea of naked folks intertwined in a lovely space. The laughter, the moaning, and the movement was all before your eyes. From a sex swing, to strap-ons, and to wrestling, everyone found what they were looking for one way or another. When I looked at the birthday boy and offered myself on a platter, that decision felt good. Because having sex with this man does not make me feel demeaned or used. It makes me happy because we are friends, and we love and respect one another.

I found myself watching this southern woman very closely, just to make sure she is okay. The more you play in this land, the more you take the newbies under your wing a bit. Playing in this arena can be scary and can bring up feelings you are not sure how to handle. I wanted to make sure that she was okay with everything that was happening. She was having a delightful time, and this was a woman who was so shy in the beginning that she did dishes to calm down. She went from that to walking around in a matching bra and panties while having sexual encounters that excited her. She loved the energy and the safety. These are the things that I love about my job. This was an experience she will think about and smile instead of shudder and shower.

I spent many years working these issues out alone, and it is hard. Part of why I write and I share as much as I do is because so many people are figuring this out alone. No one is ever really alone, and if you look you can find an outlet. I realize not everywhere is San Francisco, but you can find help. There was more than one person who had traveled a great distance for this experience. Sex when done in a positive way leaves you feeling sated, refreshed, and alive.  Make sure that you are doing what you want sexually, getting what you want sexually, and not losing yourself in the process. You can always say no, and it should always be respected. If you have found yourself a victim of a sex crime, please contact the authorities, a hospital, or a sex-crisis center. You can find a sex life again and a wonderful one at that. Love and respect yourself. That way you pave the way for others to do the same. Stay with me folks.

Muah,

Fleur De Lis SF